Success and the "Appreciation Challenge"

"Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm."- Winston Churchill

Failure is not a fun word. Failure is something to fear, something to be ashamed of, something no one wants to be labeled as or experience. Success is something we strive for. We set goals for ourselves, create a plan to achieve them, and get to work, assuming once we hit our "end point" we will experience and in essence become success. What we tend to forget is, without failure, there can be no success.

In the world today we are constantly bombarded with images of what it means to be "a success". Things we need to posses and molds our appearances should fit into. When we inevitably don't fit these molds our feelings of self-worth begin to erode. Depression builds over things we don't have but didn't know we "needed" until someone told us so. In the end feelings of emptiness creep in, as if we, as people, have no value. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This week I am doing my best to take a moment to step back and truly appreciate what God has blessed me with. I will appreciate the changes in my body, and how much stronger I have become physically and mentally. I will appreciate my family and the love we share. I will appreciate our home, and my ability to serve those who live there. The strength to truly savor the moment, to revel in my journey instead of fretting over how far I have to get to my goal. This is living, this is a gift, and to me this is success.

I challenge you to join me in this pursuit. Take a few minutes for yourself each day to experience gratitude for what you have, and how far you've come. Let it humble you, let the deep sense of peace and joy cleanse your soul of worry. God is good and so is life, if you just take the time to notice.

I would love to hear what success means to you, and what you are grateful for. I'm here, and as always, Happy Training!

No going back

Something changed for me today

I was having a conversation recently where there were some comments made about my weight during a certain period of my life about 5 or 6 years ago. I was called "chunky" and "fat" and then told "But look how far you've come!" as if that should erase the hurt of what was said.

The time period in reference was a rough one for me on so many levels. My husband was away for 6 months attending an officer training course for the Army and I was home alone working a high-stress sales job that kept me tethered to a phone and confined to a desk the majority of every day. What no one knew was even though I had gained weight I was deep in the throes of bulimia.

When people think of disordered eating they think skinny. It's just the way it is. This is also a huge misconception. Disordered eating does not fit into the two tidy boxes of anorexia and bulimia, it is as individual as the person suffering. That person might not even know there is anything wrong until they are in so deep they can't get out on their own. It starts with the negative thoughts "I can't believe I ate that, I'm such a fatty!" and progresses to feeling dirty from the inside out every time we eat, no matter what we eat, until we develop a real and crippling fear of food.

I spent my days at work sitting at my desk surrounded by food. In the office environment every menial accomplishment by a team member was celebrated with a 10 pound pastry. I studiously avoided eating the food provided, packing myself meager lunches of healthy fare that I would eat alone in my car during my break. The stress of the job ate away at me mentally and my body ached from disuse. When I went home to my empty apartment I was horribly lonely, mentally exhausted, and constantly hungry from starving myself all day, and so I ate. I ate until I was in physical pain and then I threw all the pain back up.

Despite the purging my weight hovered near the top end of what was considered "healthy" for my 5' 9" frame. No one would have looked at me and seen what was happening, and I didn't ask for help. This wasn't my first rodeo with an eating disorder and over time I began to take steps towards improving but it wasn't until my pregnancy with my first son that I was truly able to put bulimia behind me.

When those comments were made all of this came flooding back. I sat there holding back the tears and feebly protesting that I wasn't fat, then laughing it off because continuing the conversation would only hurt more. I've spent the last couple of days feeling bruised over what was said. Doubting who I was at the time, thinking "I was fat" started morphing into "I am fat" and the negative though patterns started to come back "Your butt is so big, you don't deserve it eat.", "look at all the fat on your belly, disgusting." and then I made a choice.

I made the choice not to go back. I made the choice to be stronger than someone else's words. I refuse to go back to a place where I beat myself up over every bite of food that passes my lips. I won't let someone else's opinion of who I am, was, or should be shape how I see myself. Every day that passes I put myself closer to achieving my goals. I work hard, I eat well. It is not realistic for me to say I am never going to touch sugar again or that I won't have carbs until the scale says what I want it to. I am giving myself permission to be human. I can't go back and change the past but I can shape my future, one positive choice at a time,

and it looks pretty bright from here.

New art!

May was an exciting month for me both in terms of training as well as developing No quit in her. In addition to increasing my weekly miles run I was able to complete the project of new art for my Facebook page and of course this blog!

I was fortunate enough to be able to hire a friend, Kitty Redden, (who just happens to be a graphic art genius) to help me turn my ramblings into something real. My first thought was to embody the concept of the phoenix. I felt the legend of the bird being cyclically reborn was a perfect analogy for NQ, but I wasn't sold on the typical art associated with a phoenix so we branched out. 

It was very important to me to put a touch of myself and my style into the art and with that in mind we settled on the Valkyrie wings.  In Norse mythology the Valkyrie is one of a host of female figures who decide which soldiers live in battle and which die. It's easy to change the story and apply it to your life. You are a soldier, the battle is your day to day relationship with health and wellness. You can choose to "live" by focusing on making positive choices for yourself. You can earn your own set of  Valkyrie wings! 

We started with my scribbles. With Kitty being based out of Washington state we had to communicate via the internet but we were able to send photos back and forth to help us zero in on the finished project.

After a few sketches and a first draft we settled on a blue/black color scheme and kept it pretty clean and simple. My hope was for it to be eye catching and convey a feeling of strength. However, I didn't want anything overly busy or overwhelming. 

It was so exciting for me to see my vision come together, and take this step towards making my dream a reality. I honestly couldn't be more excited to share this with you. I hope that when you see the art you are reminded of how strong you are. Once you've made the choice to live nothing can hold you back! The power to grow and change is in your hands. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts, as always drop me a line anytime and happy training!