No going back

Something changed for me today

I was having a conversation recently where there were some comments made about my weight during a certain period of my life about 5 or 6 years ago. I was called "chunky" and "fat" and then told "But look how far you've come!" as if that should erase the hurt of what was said.

The time period in reference was a rough one for me on so many levels. My husband was away for 6 months attending an officer training course for the Army and I was home alone working a high-stress sales job that kept me tethered to a phone and confined to a desk the majority of every day. What no one knew was even though I had gained weight I was deep in the throes of bulimia.

When people think of disordered eating they think skinny. It's just the way it is. This is also a huge misconception. Disordered eating does not fit into the two tidy boxes of anorexia and bulimia, it is as individual as the person suffering. That person might not even know there is anything wrong until they are in so deep they can't get out on their own. It starts with the negative thoughts "I can't believe I ate that, I'm such a fatty!" and progresses to feeling dirty from the inside out every time we eat, no matter what we eat, until we develop a real and crippling fear of food.

I spent my days at work sitting at my desk surrounded by food. In the office environment every menial accomplishment by a team member was celebrated with a 10 pound pastry. I studiously avoided eating the food provided, packing myself meager lunches of healthy fare that I would eat alone in my car during my break. The stress of the job ate away at me mentally and my body ached from disuse. When I went home to my empty apartment I was horribly lonely, mentally exhausted, and constantly hungry from starving myself all day, and so I ate. I ate until I was in physical pain and then I threw all the pain back up.

Despite the purging my weight hovered near the top end of what was considered "healthy" for my 5' 9" frame. No one would have looked at me and seen what was happening, and I didn't ask for help. This wasn't my first rodeo with an eating disorder and over time I began to take steps towards improving but it wasn't until my pregnancy with my first son that I was truly able to put bulimia behind me.

When those comments were made all of this came flooding back. I sat there holding back the tears and feebly protesting that I wasn't fat, then laughing it off because continuing the conversation would only hurt more. I've spent the last couple of days feeling bruised over what was said. Doubting who I was at the time, thinking "I was fat" started morphing into "I am fat" and the negative though patterns started to come back "Your butt is so big, you don't deserve it eat.", "look at all the fat on your belly, disgusting." and then I made a choice.

I made the choice not to go back. I made the choice to be stronger than someone else's words. I refuse to go back to a place where I beat myself up over every bite of food that passes my lips. I won't let someone else's opinion of who I am, was, or should be shape how I see myself. Every day that passes I put myself closer to achieving my goals. I work hard, I eat well. It is not realistic for me to say I am never going to touch sugar again or that I won't have carbs until the scale says what I want it to. I am giving myself permission to be human. I can't go back and change the past but I can shape my future, one positive choice at a time,

and it looks pretty bright from here.