Breaking the Dam

I am happy to report that I did indeed put my big girl pants on and break the ice at the new gym! I'm not sure why it seemed so hard. I guess it could be the combination of stress from the fire, moving and feeling guilty about taking the time for myself. It's always hard going to a new place but I'm so glad I did. As you know I am not fond of treadmills but it looks like that is where I will be doing the lions share of my marathon training aside from weekend long-runs, which will be outdoors. I'm surprised to say that the past two days I've enjoyed my time on the treadmill *formerly referred to as the dread-mill. I think it is going to help me with speed due to the ability to set the machine at a certain pace, then being forced to keep up with it….or turn it down. (TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!? Yup….that's been blowing up my iPod) 

I've had some really strange things going on with my emotions lately. I am not a person who cries easily. I have to be very angry, very tired, or very sad for tears to flow. That being said I surprised myself by keeping dry eyes with everything I've had going on lately. I didn't cry after the fire. I didn't cry when I said goodbye to my friends and packed up to move (though I did come close) I didn't cry when T left for annual training, or when they told me I couldn't get a lawn mower delivered for over 2 weeks, or when our paycheck fails to arrive day after day. I've started to get this feeling that I really need to have a good cry. Like an emotional zit that needs popping. (gross, but effective analogy) The thing is, no matter how hard I've tried, I can't get myself to do it. 

I've watched sad videos, inspirational videos and everything in-between. I've read tragic stories and inspiring ones to no avail. Then finally, today, it happened. 

I was running on the treadmill (go figure) and I was starting to get fatigued. When I get tired I usually give myself a pep talk and keep going but today I found myself more motivated by picturing myself crossing a finish line. I thought about the upcoming Firecracker 5k in my hometown, which I always look forward to, but I quickly realized I needed to pull out the big guns. I let myself imagine crossing the finish line at my marathon. I pictured all my friends and family's smiling faces just waiting for me to bring it home.

Then I thought about hugging my Dad. I know he would hug me, dripping sweat and all, and tell me how proud he was. 

That is when I lost it. I felt the prick of the tears behind my eyes and before I knew it they were running down my cheeks. 

On the treadmill……in the middle of a crowded gym.

I jumped off and made a beeline for the locker room where I sobbed for about 5 minutes in a stall. (probably freaking out more than a few ladies, for that I apologize) I cried because I was happy, I cried because I was sad, I cried because I was tired, and most of all I cried because I'm doing it. I'm taking a dream, making it a goal, and going for it. 

The dam was broken, and I feel so much better for it. Today I learned that sometimes all a girl needs is a good workout and a good cry to make the world seem right again.