You've gotta know when to fold 'em

I learned a lesson this weekend. It was a hard one, and I am still processing it, but something clicked. I was on mile 7 of my long run this Saturday when it finally sunk it. This would not be my year to run 26.2.

I've been quietly struggling this past month. Though I've been seizure free I've had a number of days where tremors keep me house bound, I'm only a few miles away from full on shin splints and most seriously my left knee is mission incapable. Something may have torn, or it could just be overuse but I know in my heart that if I continue to push into higher mileage I will do damage that will take me out of the game indefinitely. (After 6 operations my knees and I have pretty open lines of communication) I had to face the fact that I don't have the time I need to get healthy and still prepare for a full marathon.

I limped back from my run, drug myself to the shower, and cried like a baby. It had finally sunk in that this would not be the year I became a marathoner. Though it's been on my mind for a week or so it isn't a decision I came to lightly. My head and my heart are pulling me in totally different directions, but I know my limitations. I need to take a step back, keep on building my foundation and try again when the time is right. Instead of 26.2 I'll be putting in 13.1 on race day, and I am finding a way to be ok with that.

I'm not giving up on my dream, I'm just accepting that now is not my time to make it come true. I'm not quitting, I'm learning that ruining myself physically and mentally for the sake of a number is not ok. My worth isn't dependent on now many miles I can run. I'm always telling others not to lose the Joy of the run. When you find it, hold on to it with all your might. I went into marathon training knowing it would not be a bed of sunshine and roses, but I need to listen to my body.

My heart is still heavy over my choice but I know it is the right one for me. This is part of my journey and a lesson meant for me.  I feel like this is truly my time to learn and accept that there is more to me than miles.

Back in June I wrote this intention for myself:

"to live a life of truth, both to my myself and my loved ones. To learn to honestly love myself for who I am and how I was created, not hate myself for what I am not".

This is me, living a life of truth. I'm not saying never, I'm saying not now. There are bigger, brighter things ahead for me. I always believe that something wonderful is about to happen, now more than ever.